Updated: Oct 27, 2019
Lea is the winner of March query critique contest! Here is her original query:
And here is my critique:
This query has an intriguing premise and does a decent job creating tension, but the main problem right now is that there is too much information missing, which leaves the reader very confused. You'll notice that the majority of my comments are about fleshing out or explaining areas throughout the query. Give the reader more background info about the ALP society and the world you're building here, especially since this is a fantasy world and not just a modern-day crime backdrop!
Sometimes you want to withhold certain tidbits in a query to create tension and/or curiosity, which I think it what you were trying to do here, but it's gone a little overboard and left us without an essential understanding of the world you're building here. Take a look at the back cover copy of comparable novels to see how they deliver background and plot info and try to mold your query to fit those parameters.
You have a good start--you just need to reorganize yourself and make sure that people who aren't familiar with the story will be able to follow what is going on. I hope my thoughts are helpful!
Everyone else, if you have any thoughts or questions to share, chime in with comments!