Updated: Oct 27, 2019
This month's query critique winner is Kate! Congrats, Kate! Here is her original query letter:
And here her query letter with my comments marked up:
I thought this manuscript sounded so cool...like a succubus/mystery version of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, which seems like the right thing for the market right now and also very interesting!!! Besides a few wording tweaks, the main thing I wanted to change about this query was the way the chronology of events was shared, as well as how background information was given. It can be hard to compress all the explaining you need to do in 2-3 paragraphs, so it is important to make sure what you are sharing makes sense while still leaving enough of a cliffhanger to intrigue the reader into wanting to know more.
Kate, I hope I helped you achieve that in this query and wish you the best of luck with it. It really does sound like a ton of fun!! If anyone else has any questions or comments about this critique, let me know via comments!