This month's query critique winner is Emily—congrats!!
Here is her original query:
And here is my critique:
Although there is clearly a lot of passion here and you have a nice publishing background (being a USA Today bestseller is always a great thing!), there was a lot I found problematic about this query.
It is so important (especially in something like fantasy, where world building is key) to make sure that you are explaining things clearly and fully. There were several times throughout the query where I had to stop and read things over a few times to try and make sense of them, such as how Adira is able to be a Rotter but also the heiress to some kind of trading company or the fact that Rotters have very identifiable traits that would make it hard for them to pose as members of another class, yet somehow, Adira is able to do this.
We are also missing some vital information about the plot itself. How did Adira find herself in this position? What is the Black Citadel? What do they try to do to Adira and how does she respond? When revising, be sure to go back and include these details. Think about what the back cover copy of your book might look like and try to model that in your query. An agent should be able to get a decent grasp on what your story's premise and plot is from your pitch.
I would seriously rethink changing your categorization to YA fantasy, as well. The age of your main character and the comp title you use both point to this being for teen readers. There isn't really anything that makes it stand out as adult—why did you initially categorize it this way? If you want this to stay adult fantasy, then I suggest aging up Adira and using different comp titles.
Summarizing your book is always difficult to do and it can take several tries to get it right! I hope my edits and comments are helpful to you as you work on revising this, and I wish you the best of luck!
Any comments, chime in below.